Another First...

Confession: I've never been to a tanning bed. I mean EVER. The reason? Let's see, highly strung germaphobe? Nope. Afraid of ultraviolet light that, with my luck, will eventually cause cancer? Nope. Afraid of laying in all of my, well, not clothed-ness in a glass bed? Nope. Horribly claustrophobic and terrified that said tanning bed will spontaneously burst into flames with me stuck inside? Yep, that's the one.

So, what could convince me to abandon my near-hysteria inducing anxiety and willingly crawl into this "coffin of fire"? You guessed it. I caught a glimpse of myself in a bathing suit. Not good. I mean glow in the dark not good.

So, in a momentary lapse of otherwise good judgement, I decided to listen to my friends, who kept telling me that everything would be fine, and venture to the dark side. Let me walk you through the evening...

First, Lori (I had to have re-enforcements) and I walked through the door of the tanning salon.
Enter Jasmine. Jasmine and I can never be friends. I'm sure she is a perfectly delightful person, really I'm sure she is. But Jasmine, well lets just say, the name suits her. Her and her very blond, very (dangerously) skinny physique. Jasmine asked us which bed we wanted. I stood there like a deer in the headlights while Lori answered the appropriate questions. Along with our one time session, we purchased indoor tanning lotion. Didn't know it existed quite frankly. I looked at the package and read the following: "contains as much caffeine as a cup of coffee!" Time out. Really? I'm not sure what the correlation is between caffeine and gaining a good tan, but I think I may be more concerned with that whole "as a cup of coffee" thing. I mean, can you sleep after? Does it give you the shakes? At any rate, I asked for the de-caf variety.

Moving on... Lori, kindly, volunteered to go first. I sat for the next 10-15 minutes, in the waiting room while entirely too much peroxide and silicone walked past me. (I mean seriously, at some point don't you have to worry about that stuff melting?)

Finally, it was my turn. I walked into the room, with my packet of newly discovered indoor tanning lotion, and came face to face with, the beast. Oh he looked unassuming enough. Sleek, very shiny, and clean. One would think I'd be impressed, but wait, we're not talking about a car. I knew he had ulterior motives, he was just waiting to scorch my ghostly white, glow it the dark skin. I mustered up every ounce of my courage, unclothed myself, applied previously mentioned indoor tanning lotion (how are you supposed to put that on your own back?) put on the freaky little glasses and climbed inside.

That's when the anxiety attack started. See, I'd been told that you can control how far down the lid of the coffin, I mean bed goes down. I beg to differ! The incredibly bright lights had no sooner turned on, when I found my self trapped, I mean safely entombed (okay, I really can't find a good word there; but in my defense, I knew if I did indeed get stuck, little Jasmine was not going to be much help...) in the flaming coffin. I closed my eyes, really tight, and had the following conversation with myself:

"It's okay Tia, it's just a little warm"
"Feel that breeze coming from the bottom of the bed? Doesn't that feel nice?"
"Surely it won't get any warmer than this?"
"Why does that creaking door sound like it's opening into my room?"
"Should my back be feeling like it's on fire?"
"The breeze from the bottom of the bed is beginning to feel like a blow torch. Is that normal?"
"If I had a sense of smell, what would burning flesh actually smell like?"
"Why is that creaking door opening again?"
"Is it over yet?"
"I can't move. It's okay, don't panic. Breathe."
"You're on a warm beach somewhere, that's the sun enveloping you in it's warm embrace."
"I SAID BREATHE!"
"There's that door again."
"My ears are ringing. That can't be good."
"Enough with the stupid door!!"
"Seriously, how long can 10 minutes really last?"

And then it was over. I quickly (and I mean quickly) wiped myself off, calmed myself down (my heart stopped racing a few minutes later) and, shaking only slightly, walked outside victorious. Yes, my friends, I made it through my first tanning session. Take that flaming coffin of doom!

Now, how do you get rid of red stripes down your back? :)