Monday, June 14, 2010

Dear Collin,

Today is a very special day for us. It's one I'm sure you won't remember, but equally certain I will never forget. One year ago today, you changed my life forever. One year ago today, I held you in my arms for the first time. I've been thinking a lot about that day lately. And the 365 days since then. I've thought about how determined I was that first day. Determined to get you well, but not to fall in love. My resolve lasted almost as long as it took you nuzzle your cute little face into my neck and fall asleep. I should have known then that I was a goner, but I'm a little stubborn. I've thought about the first time the thought crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I could be your mom. You still weren't feeling very good and had fallen asleep on the bed in the hotel room. I watched you sleep for a few minutes with a lump in my throat and a swelling in my heart. You've done that several times since then. You're actually pretty good at it. I've thought about the day I went to visit your orphanage and how I knew that, although it was obvious you were loved there, it seemed completely wrong that you should have to grow up there.

I think about when I left you for the first time. You and I stayed back a bit from all the other mommies and daddies and children. I wasn't sure what to say to you, so I just told you that I loved you and hoped I'd see you again someday. What I didn't realize at the time, was that my heart wouldn't be going home with me. It preferred to stay with you in a little village in Haiti. When I think about the next two weeks, how I agonized about whether or not bringing you home to live with me was the best thing for you, I remembered how the memory of your big brown eyes and that smile that, although rare at the time, managed to melt the area where my heart used to be. Even a thousand miles away, we were still connected. The next two months were a flurry of activity, trying desperately to gather all the necessary paperwork to "get the process started" for us. All the while, feeling a sense of urgency, a feeling that I needed to move faster. At the time, I didn't know why. Fast forward a few months to January 12th. Another day that I will never forget. I think about having to go on with day to day living, not knowing for sure if you were still alive. For six agonizing days, I wondered, I prayed, I cried, until finally, I knew for sure.

And then, I can't help but think about the literal miracles that took place in the next two weeks that brought you and your friends home. I think about the people that risked their lives to save you. Those who risked their safety to go find you. The hearts that were softened and laws that were changed, just to enable you to come home to me.

Mostly though, I think about how blessed I am to be the one you call mom. How grateful I am to a Heavenly Father who saw two people who needed each other and literally moved heaven and earth to bring us together. Every time I see your big brown eyes looking up at me, or hear your infectious giggle, I'm reminded of just what a miracle you are. With every kiss and cuddle you give me, I'm awestruck all over again, that I was the one chosen to be your mother. Thank you my sweet boy, for changing my world in ways I never dreamed of and for allowing me to love more deeply than I ever thought possible. I love you so much and can't wait to see what the future will bring to our little family.

All my love,
Mom

10 comments:

mlg said...

Well said, I am so glad he has you and you have him you guys make a great team!

Fiddlefish said...

You are so good at making me cry! So happy you both are still in our ward!

Mike & Jessica said...

Happy anniversary you two. Thats a letter you should print and put in his scrapbook. I love you both!

Rod and Jessica said...

Sheesh - like I haven't cried enough over the last couple of days! :) We are so grateful that Heaven and Earth did move to bring you together . . . there is no where else he belongs! You make the best team ever!

Brent and Lori said...

Thank you for sharing your soul, my sweet sister. It's been a privilege to watch you in this process and to see the changes in both you and Collin. He's so happy. You're so happy.

The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. And I'm glad I was able to be there to watch Him connect you and your baby boy.

I love you!
L

Bambi and Adam said...

Happy anniversary to you too Tia :) I remember after coming back from the June trip finding out you were going to pursue adopting Collin . We were soooo excited for you both ! And still are :)
Bambi

Maggie said...

Oh, Tia! What sweet words from a wonderful mother to an amazing son! Thank you for sharing them with us.

Aubri n Scott said...

And I am crying, I think about those days you weren't sure if he was living or not often. He is a miracle and you are too! I love you Tia!

Jason and Kristin said...

It's almost Tuesday....Wahoo!!!!

Nichole said...

He belongs with you and you with him. Happy one year anniversary.